“It’ll Get Better” and Other Unhelpful Encouragement

umhelpful advice

Throughout a mother’s life, she receives a lot of encouragement. It’s given by friends, aunts, and especially our own mothers and mothers-in-law. And even though the majority of this encouragement is meant to helpful, sometimes it does the opposite. People mean well. People want to help and offer advice. But sometimes it’s better to say nothing than a few infuriating phrases.

Unhelpful Encouragement – What Not to Say

“It’ll get better…”

I am aware that many stages of motherhood are hard (we are currently in the baby/toddler/preschool phase). The older the children get, the more independence they will develop and less they will constantly need me for everything. But when you’re stuck in the middle of a draining stage, having someone tell you that it’ll get better doesn’t make anything better.

“It’s part of motherhood…”

I feel like I hear this from older generations. Yes, tantrum throwing, sleepless night, and potty training are all part of motherhood. But that doesn’t make it any easier. Maybe instead, offer some advice, tell a funny story that happened to you, and lend a hand, instead of criticizing my current struggle.

“Enjoy every moment…”

There are so many beautiful occasions in motherhood. Hearing first cries, witnessing first steps, listening to them say “Mama”. But there are other times I’d most likely to move on from. It’s OK to not enjoy every moment. The goal is to enjoy motherhood overall and find little bits delight throughout the days.

“It could be worse…”

Yes, it could always be worse. My children are healthy, we are financially stable, and my husband and I have a good relationship. But telling me it could be worse makes the things I’m struggling with feel invalid.

Helpful Encouragement – What to Say Instead

“How can I help?”

Sometimes a mom knows how they could use some help, and sometimes they don’t. But even the offering can make a mom feel better and not feel so isolated.

“You are doing a great job!”

We all want to be great moms.  Yet, we triumph and fail each day. Any little encouragement can help us see that we are doing the best we can.

“Motherhood is hard.”

Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs a woman can have. Sometime just have that acknowledged can make a huge difference.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Sometimes it’s not what you say, but what you do to help out a mom that can make all the difference:

If you’re in town:

-Offer to pick up the kids from school or take them for the morning or afternoon

-Drop off food (or even a bottle of wine)

-Invite them out (with or without kids)

-Offer to watch the kids for a date night

-Check in!

If you don’t live in town:

-Check in! Send a text, pick up the phone, just letting them know you’re thinking of them can help.

-Come in town when you can. They back and forth of us visiting family and friends can get exhausting.

-Send a digital ‘pick me up’. I’ve sent and received Starbucks, Postmates, and Amazon gift cards. Even $10 for a coffee run is much appreciated!

Motherhood is one of the most rewarding and challenging jobs out there. Finding supportive, encouraging women is key to feeling successful. What we say to other and how we say it really can affect someone. Let’s remember to build and lift each other up!

Anne Gegen
Anne and her husband, Ryan, live in East Wichita with their two boys, born in 2014 and 2016, and their dog, Lola. She taught second grade for six years before deciding to stay home with her boys. Anne is involved with her church and an active member of Junior League of Wichita. A transplant from Kansas City, Anne enjoys exploring Wichita with her family, finding fun and different activities to keep her toddler engaged. She is continually on the lookout for new restaurants to try and is always up for a glass of wine with girlfriends!