Dad,
Growing up the child of an addict is not something I would wish on anyone. But then again, you know that because you grew up in a very similar situation – parents who chose drugs over you. In that regard, I’m not sure if it makes the situation worse or if it justifies your path, in a way.
Addiction is a terrible disease that tears families apart. But at the same time, it is a disease brought upon by the choices made by the addict. You don’t come down with addiction the same way an innocent child comes down with cancer. You didn’t accidentally swallow pills or stick a needle in your arm. I am not saying I don’t have sympathy for those suffering from addiction, but the question I have struggled with for most of my life, as I’m sure most children and loved ones of addiction have, is this – why didn’t you choose us? Why was your family not enough?
I know that not all of my childhood was muddled with your addiction. The windows of time that you were clean are some of my favorite childhood memories: you building me a dollhouse and taking me roller skating and getting equally as sunburnt as me on our family vacations and throwing those big, goofy plastic baseballs for me to hit with my big, goofy plastic bat in Honey and Papa’s front yard. I also have memories from not too long after that, of sitting in a methadone clinic while you got little bottles filled with orange liquid. Of learning early on that if I didn’t hide my allowance and things that I treasured, they would mysteriously vanish. Of mom being in gut-wrenching pain after her kidney transplant because all of her pain medicine was also mysteriously gone, and her doctors could not legally prescribe any more refills for the narcotics. Of visiting you in rehab, and later, in prison.
On a positive note, there are silver linings that came out of my childhood. Addiction aside, you have always had a heart of pure gold – anyone that has ever known you can attest to that. You taught us that kindness costs nothing, and I like to think that we are all better people because of some of the examples you set in the ways you treated people. Alex and I also got to see firsthand what a rockstar our mom was, and we both still think of her as superwoman. Being a single mom couldn’t have been easy, without all of the other roadblocks thrown her way, but she did it. I know you like to remind us that she wasn’t a single mom – that you were there, too, throughout the years – but just because you were there much of the time does not mean you were present. I hope you understand that.
Seeing her conquer every obstacle in front of her taught me that I, too, can do hard things. It gave me the motivation to work hard and build a great life for myself, so that if I ever had kids they would grow up in different circumstances. Also, having recognized that this disease runs rampant in my blood has kept me from having many vices, which as a cheapskate accountant, is a financial blessing. I don’t really drink, I don’t gamble, I’ve never tried hard drugs – because I’m scared that I would be teetering on the edge of a dangerous rabbit hole, and that is a choice I am not willing to make. I took it so far as refusing pain medicine after the traumatic birth of my twins, because I didn’t want to start motherhood off by getting a taste for one of your drugs of choice. I recognize that many of my character flaws are common amongst children of addicts, but I try not to let that be a crutch in bettering myself and trying to overcome them.
The rare times we talk, you repeat that you’re going to get your life together, so you can be involved in your granddaughters’ futures. I would love nothing more than to have you back in my life, but that will only happen under one condition. For my entire adult life, I wavered on that and gave you chance after chance when everyone else thought I was a fool for continuing to have faith that maybe this was finally the time you would change – but that was before I had kids. Now, it’s not just me that you would be hurting. I can take it, I’ve endured this much. But I refuse to expose my daughters to even a glimpse of that part of my childhood. I hope those two little girls will one day be motivation enough for you to seek help for a final time, because I know firsthand how deeply and unconditionally they love, and I want nothing more for you than to experience that.
I will always love you,
Your daughter
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