Sexual Intimacy During Stressful Times

Raise your hand if you feel stress right now…did everyone just raise their hand? Probably so! Lately we have read all about how our current stressors are affecting our kids, our eating habits, our workload, our workout schedules, and pretty much everything else, but have you stopped to consider how it’s affecting your romantic relationships? It is an intimate topic but it is so important to find trusted people to have open conversations with because I can assure you that if you’re experiencing any distress about this, you’re not alone. Keep reading to learn why stress affects our sex drive and some ideas for how to begin to work through these feelings. 

Why Stress Affects Your Sex Drive

The nervous system is a complex structure in the human body and one that affects every part of our being. When we consider the way our body reacts to stress and how that affects our libido, it’s important to understand the autonomic nervous system. This branch of our nervous system is divided into the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems. The sympathetic nervous system activates the accelerator and the parasympathetic nervous system activates the brakes. When your stress response is ramped up, we often see a decrease in sexual desire, both spontaneous and responsive, because stress for most people hits the brakes (for some it increases their desire – we are ALL normal). Low levels of chronic stress release a hormone called cortisol. When your body needs increased amounts of sex hormones over an extended period of time it will cause decreased sexual desire.

Why it’s Normal to Turn to Sex During Stressful Times

  • Provides a sense of comfort.
    When intercourse is mutually satisfying  and consensual, it can certainly provide a deal of comfort and normalcy during uncertain times. While it might not be something you’ve ever considered, there’s a lesser known, maybe less sexy (depending on who you ask), but important type of sex called comfort sex. It is sex that you seek out with your partner (or at least someone you know and are comfortable with) because it provides both feels good endorphins and also the feeling of being safe, even if only for just a little bit. For women, I want to highlight the point that comfort sex is generally with someone you know and trust. Why? Because women typically do not orgasm right out of the gate with new partners. It takes some time to build trust. Comfort sex can be important during times of increased stress, grief, and uncertainty. And don’t worry about being super creative, the point of comfort sex is just that – comfort.
  • Releases tension and decreases stress.
    Whether physical or psychological, sex is undoubtedly an excellent way to release of tension and potentially decrease you stress, even if it’s only for a little bit. Let’s take a look at the physical perspective. Having an orgasm releases endorphins and oxytocin, which is also known as the “feel good” hormone. Think about it, have you ever had an orgasm and experienced stress immediately after? Probably not, but never say never because these are trying times.
  • Can make you feel a sense of security.
    Sometimes when the world feels particularly unsettling, a grounding tool can be intimacy with your partner. This type of sex can be defined as Synchrony Sex. As Dr. Sue Johnson says, “This is when emotional openness and responsiveness, tender touch and erotic exploration all come together. This is the sex that fulfills, satisfies and connects. The key prerequisite here is not wild sexual techniques but a safe emotional bond.” Synchrony sex helps us create a better relationship with not only our partners but also with ourselves by creating a sense of safety.

Why it’s Normal to Turn Away From Sex During Stressful Times

  • It feels like one more thing to do.
    When stress is high, it’s normal for people to turn away from sex. It can simply feel like one more thing to do especially if one partner is more interested than the other. Knowing your partner is interested when you are not can just feel like pressure, whether that pressure is perceived or real.
  • Increased hormones.
    An increase in stress causes a release of hormones, which include cortisone and epinephrine and when delivered in high doses can cause decreased sex drive.
  • Everyone go away!
    Similar to feelings many women report postpartum, maybe you just don’t want to be touched by one more person. After working. crisis schooling, making meals, changing diapers, breaking up fights, making crafts, there is a strong possibility that the last thing you have the energy or mental capacity for is sex. And you know what? You’re normal.

Ways to Manage Stress In and Out of the Bedroom

  • Communication with your partner is absolutely key! To maintain a healthy relationship both in and out of the bedroom, remember that communication is the backbone of a healthy relationship. Your partner is not a mind reader, tell them what you need.
  • Practice mindfulness. Research is proving that mindfulness – which is simply being fully present and aware in the moment. AKA, not “in your head” while you’re trying to be intimate with your partner. Not only can you practice mindfulness throughout the day, but you can also practice it while you’re in bed with your partner. Throughout the day practice taking 5 minutes to stop and notice all your senses. Name 5 things you can see. Name 4 things you can touch. Name 3 things you can hear. Name 2 things you can smell. Name 1 thing you can taste.
  • Connect with your breath.This is a great strategy to force out intrusive thoughts that happen throughout the day and especially in the bedroom. Take a deep inhale, then exhale and focus on what your body is sensing in the moment. Mindfulness practices throughout the day will allow.
  • Engage in movement you enjoy. Whether you prefer to go for walks, lift weights, practice yoga, or simply get outside and play with your children, it’s important for our minds and body to move every single day. Your health depends on it.
  • Journal. It doesn’t have to be every day and it doesn’t have to be for longer than 5 minutes, but it can be extremely helpful to jot down your emotions as a way to name them, put them in perspective and ultimately deal with them.
  • Meditation. This is defined as a mind and body practice that has a long history of use for increasing calmness and physical relaxation, improving psychological balance, coping with illness, and enhancing overall health and well-being (https://nccih.nih.gov/health/meditation/overview.htm).
  • Connect with other people going through the same experience. There are SO many ways to connect with people these days whether it is in-person or online, please don’t forget that community and sharing your experience is one of the most therapeutic activities you can engage in.

When To Seek Out Professional Help

Everyone will go through periods of low sexual desire – there is absolutely nothing concerning this fact. However, if you experience low sexual desire over a prolonged period of time, if it bothers you, and/or if it is starting to affect your relationship, this is a good time to seek out a therapist that can help you. 

Lauren Scafe
Lauren is a lifetime Wichitan, and proud KU and WSU graduate, who is married to her high school sweetheart. She lives in west Wichita where she and her husband are raising their four kids (Brody- 13, Tucker-11, Charlotte-6, and Bennett-2). Lauren is a full-time school nurse but when she’s not at work she can usually be found at her older children’s sporting events while chasing her toddler. Her passions include sharing messy truths about motherhood through her blog the Strong Mother Guide and teaching girls about positive body image through her business, Girl Kindness Project.