After a particularly long day near the end of a particularly long week, I found myself racing into our local Y to get my daughter to dance class. We barely made it on time, which meant all the good watch spots were taken and I was left to sit on the floor – not exactly ideal when I was already feeling so drained. With my daughter dancing in one studio, my eyes wandered to the room next door.
Music with a beat was pumping as women of all ages were dancing to an aerobic exercise class, and I felt a sort of jealousy swell up inside of me. I remembered when that had been me years ago, back when I had more time for myself and before I was running with a toddler in ballet shoes through a parking lot. I sat on the cold floor wishing I could be in there dancing with the other ladies instead of where I was….for about two minutes. It hit me hard – I swear I could practically hear the record scratch like when there is an abrupt halt in a 90s sitcom – when I remembered that back when I was sweating to some good music in an exercise class that I would have given anything to have a little family of my own.
We are living in a world that tells us we can do it all, and while I fully believe a woman can do anything she sets her mind to, we have to remember it may not all be at one time. I’ve seen a new quote floating around on the Internet that goes along the lines of “the woman before you had kids is still in there – find her.” I know the heart behind this is good; as mamas we tend to become consumed by raising our kids and we do need to remember that there is more to us than just motherhood. However, I also don’t want to be the woman I was before I had kids. That was a fun season and one where I could breeze in and out of fitness classes, or shopping trips, or nights out with friends. But it was just meant to be a season. I’m in the incredible season now where I get to watch my baby girl look out the glass window with a proud smile on her face after she just completed a routine. I get hugs and kisses every day, snuggles as we read books, and the amazing view of watching my kids grow and learn every day. I know this season won’t be forever, and I want to embrace my life now and not grasp at the past.
To be honest, I’m also realizing that motherhood is shaping me into being an even better version of myself, and I’m proud of who I am becoming. I’m learning to balance (sometimes saying no to extra commitments, sometimes figuring out I can stream the same fitness class I wished I was a part of at home to do when my kids are sleeping). I’m gaining confidence in things I probably would have spent way too much time agonizing over before I was a mom. I’m more patient and understanding of others. I created two little lives and now I’ve learned what love really is. No, I definitely don’t want to be the woman I was before I was a mom. This is so much better. Dance class may look different now, but I sure wouldn’t trade this life for anything.
