“Mommy Wars” has sadly become a popular topic lately. We’ve all been there, feeling judged or looked down on for our parenting choices. I’m no stranger to this feeling. I’m a baby-wearing, “still” breastfeeding, water birth having, baby-led weaning, cloth diapering, token “crunchy” mom. I believe in these things passionately, but often I am still left feeling isolated and defensive.
It is doubtful that there is a mom out there who feels completely confident that she has this whole “mommy” thing nailed. We all have insecurities and struggles. At the same time we live in a world where around every corner, on our newsfeeds, and in headline after headline we are bombarded by messages about how it “should” be done. The problem is not that so many people have unique views on how to be the best mother, it is HOW we share those views.
You are allowed to love your parenting choices. In fact, I would hope that you do! But what seems to be happening, instead, is that we get inundated with the negative. We get caught in defensive mode.
In the past two weeks alone, these examples come to mind:
I’ve seen countless articles on the vaccination debate, with comments sections that go from defensive to combative in the blink of an eye. I’ve seen adults actually name calling in these comments.
My newsfeed is filled with headlines like “10 Things to Never Say To…”, a list of the “Top 15 Worst Parents”, or even, I kid you not, a list of types of parents that should be “punched in the throat”.
In one of my mommy support groups, a mom shared that she was in tears at work because of comments made by her co-workers (and fellow moms) about her breastfeeding choices.
One mom’s widely circulated post about her negative experiences with her water birth was particularly troubling. The “comments” section was hijacked to viciously debate birthing options. Out of the nearly one hundred comments I read, not ONE offered condolences or empathy for this mother who was clearly crying out to be heard and understood.
My heart ached for her. My heart aches for all the moms who have been made to feel “less than”.
Women seem to be pitting themselves up against other women. We’re mommy versus mommy in some sort of no-holds-barred passive-aggressive cage match.
But when we do this, we ALL come out with bruises and busted lips.
What if, instead of telling the world what we hate,
instead of telling other people why they are wrong,
instead of leaving comments that are hurtful…
we practice this phrase and focus on:
“loving what you love, instead of hating what you hate”
Did you love your epidural? Awesome, tell the world.
Did you think your water birth was amazing? Great, shout it from the mountaintops…er, uh, wheat fields.
Tell me three things I should say to you, instead of ten I shouldn’t.
Put your energy into bragging about your awesome kids or telling another mom what a great job she is doing. I guarantee she could use it.
When we focus on the positive, we support and uplift each other instead of tearing each other down. We need to take responsibility for how powerful our words can be, think about the people impacted by them, and practice using tact and thoughtfulness.
Before you offer advice, post an article, or click on that comment section, just think to yourself: “Am I loving what I love, or hating what I hate?”
Photo Credit: T McKee Photography
When we focus on love, when we focus on positivity, that’s when we can turn our energy from fighting with each other to fighting alongside each other.
What phrase do YOU think could help end the “Mommy Wars”?
Plain and simple, we are all (just) moms! The world would be pretty boring if we were all exactly the same and parented in the exact same way. But, the one great thing we have in common is that we are ALL moms, just being the best moms we can be.
Couldn’t have said it better ourselves. Thanks for your input! 🙂