I’m a mom to three kids under 7 years old, so it’s needless to say that our house sees its fair share of tantrums. I’ve been around kids my whole life. I became an aunt at age 5, I babysat all through high school, and I’ve worked in a few different daycares and eventually decided to major in child development in college.
I thought I knew children.
I knew how their brains worked and that I would be an awesome, calm mom that could remember back to what I studied and I would have happy, emotionally intelligent children. I wouldn’t be that mom in the grocery store with my child throwing a fit because I knew what to do. According to the textbooks that is. (Let’s all laugh about that now because we’ve all been that mom with a screaming child at the store.)
However, there is one little problem with those textbooks: my kids didn’t read them.
They didn’t know that if I did something that my book said would help them calm down that they should, in fact, calm down. So, with a lot of experience, trial and error parenting I’ve figured out what works for us most of the time. Here are the ten things that I try to do before, during and after one of my children has a tantrum. Or as I lovingly refer to it as “going bananas”.
Before A Tantrum
The first thing I do if I sense one of my kids is getting cranky is to be more mindful about the way I word things and the tone of voice I’m using. My oldest son is just like me and has a very short fuse, and things can escalate quickly once he’s in a bad mood. If he senses me getting frustrated and irritated, it’s easy for him to feed off of that and become even more agitated.
The second thing I do is offer a snack or a drink. Unfortunately, another bad quality I’ve passed down to my children is my mood when I get hungry. Being hangry is tough and things feel uncontrollable and intensified. I do this most often when the kids get in the car right after school. I have a water bottle and easy protein-packed snack ready to go.
We get outside! If at all possible and weather permitting, we try to g
et some outdoor time. Connecting with nature and soaking up some sunshine is scientifically proven to better a person’s mood within minutes. We jump on the trampoline, go to the park, ride bikes, play in the hose or go for a walk. We all gain a fresh attitude after these activities.
When we can’t get outside but I feel like I need to give my kids a reset button I let them take a bath. It’s even more fun when we add bubbles and their bath toys. I’ve noticed a big difference in my son after he’s had a hard day at school and takes a bath. He can relax and play while decompressing. Water is such an easy fix!
During A Tantrum
I make sure I’m calm. Once a tantrum has started it’s easy for me to get frustrated. I have a short fuse and can easily throw a little mom tantrum myself if I don’t calm myself first. Part of calming myself might mean to take a drink of water or have a snack. Sometimes it means I need to take a deep breath and really have a conversation with myself about remembering what I know to be true about kids and their brain development. They aren’t trying to irritate me and make things harder on me (most of the time) they’re just really struggling to self-regulate. What is a big deal to them might not make sense to me but it’s not about me.
I don’t try to parent for myself or others. What this means is that I don’t do what I think other parents in the store think I should do. I’ve heard many people say that a child just needs spanked or screamed at. However, I know that these things do not work on my children so it’s not helpful to threaten those things just because I think it might appease the people watching us. I try not to worry about being judged by others. This one is hard to remember especially if the tantrum happens in public but it’s probably my favorite things I’ve learned as a parent.
I don’t give in to what they want just to expedite the tantrum. Yes, it might be easier to just let them do whatever they want to do or get what they want to get in that particular moment but it’s not best for them in the long run to teach them that they can get their way if they throw a fit.
After A Tantrum
When the tantrum is over and we’re all cooling down I like to reconnect with my kids. Sometimes that means we color or do Play-Doh. This lets the left side of the brain (artistic side) connect to the right side of the brain (logic side) and learn. I always tell my kids that I love them. We play a game called “I love you when” and I tell them that I love them when they’re happy. I love them when they’re sad. I love them when they’re silly and I love them when they’re mad. I love them all the time. Basically, I list off a lot of different emotions and tell them I love them all the time.
We talk about their feelings behind the tantrum. Why they were so upset and what caused them to hit for example. I don’t encourage the tantrum or negative behaviors but I validate their feelings they had when they were upset. It’s best to wait until after a fit is over to talk about their feelings because during a tantrum, they can’t process things so there is no learning that happens when they are emotionally flooded.
We brainstorm ideas as to what we can do next time so we don’t get to a full-blown tantrum.
All of these things are easier said than done but they’ve all made such a difference in how we survive the tantrums!
