Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce as an Adult

I will never forget the moment I learned my parents were getting divorced. I was an adult with 2 young kids, and the news was jarring. Totally unexpected. Maybe I was naïve and should have seen it coming, but I didn’t. Since then, things in life have settled down (sort of), and I’ve had about 5 years to adjust . There have been bumps along the way, but I have grown as an adult, partner and parent.

Here are 5 things I’ve learned about myself since the big D:

Normal is just a word. Everyone has their own normal and you have to make the best with what you’re given. But what is normal? My new normal is that my parents don’t live together. It includes feeling like a bandage is being ripped off every time someone brings it up. Opening old wounds that aren’t quite healed. Normal is explaining to my youngest why grandma and grandpa don’t live together (5  years later). It seems like divorce touches everyone, so finding my normal in it has been an adventure.

Adjustments are hard. My family is tight knit. We spend a lot of time together with my immediate and extended family. While my parents make a lot of effort to spend time with us together, I’m sure it’s strange for them to adjust to their new “normal” as well. It’s nice that they get along and are more than happy to share holidays, but I’m sure there will be a time when that isn’t possible. There have also been adjustments in their expectations of my family. It’s been difficult for me because I don’t want it to seem like I am playing favorites. I am so grateful that they each take an active role in my kids lives, however, I never want to come across like I’m favoring one over the other. It feels like there is always an underlying burden that I’m carrying because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

I am selfish. This one is harder to admit, because no one wants to be labeled selfish, but I definitely was in the beginning. I’ll admit my first thought was, “They can’t be so miserable that they can’t just stay married but live as roommates.” True story. It’s an awful thought because I want them to be happy, but at the time I wanted to be happy, and divorced parents were not going to make me happy. I also felt like I had to be the bearer of bad news. Who was going to be the one to tell my husband and kids? Me. Who had to keep the news to herself when all I wanted to do was lay in my bed and cry. Me. But I put my big girl pants on and moved forward. Because that’s what mom’s do.

Communication is key. This is a hard lesson to learn, and honestly I’m still learning. My kids are involved in a lot of sports, so our evenings are not always spent together. When my husband and I are together, we don’t have a lot of time to just sit and chat. I’ve made more of an effort to create time to just talk. This doesn’t always happen because, life. As long as I’m trying, I’m moving in the right direction. Communication is key for me because I don’t want to end up a statistic.

Knowing when it’s my story. In the past few years I have been trying to teach my oldest son that everyone has their own story to tell. While you may know some things about someone else’s story, it may not be your place to tell it. This has probably been the weirdest lesson of them all. My parents didn’t have a divorce party (obviously), so it wasn’t common knowledge. People close to us knew, but in the past year I have been stopped several times from friends from the past, people from my boys’ school and even just random people who know my folks asking if they’re divorced or when it happened. It’s so strange and I have to carefully choose what to divulge. Mostly it’s a “Yeah, it happened a few years ago. You probably didn’t notice because you see us all together,” take their condolences and leave. It’s been the strangest phenomenon that after I tell someone, several have told me about their parents that don’t get along but have stayed married. I’m not sure if they think that will make me feel better, or if it makes them feel better or what.

The main thing I’ve learned is that life moves on and the world keeps turning. If you surround yourself with people that love you, you can make it through anything. C’est la Vie.


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Kendra Fernandez
Kendra lives in Derby with her husband Leonard and her two boys- Leo and Jacoby. She works in downtown Wichita but spends most of the rest of her waking hours wrangling two crazy boys. You will more than likely find them at a game or practice. Besides spending time with her family Kendra loves to read and watch Game of Thrones, HGTV marathons and the Royals! She is also very active in PTO at her sons' school and is always trying to find ways to interact with other parents.