It was a normal day. I was busy at work. I was in my mid 20s. I was engaged to be married. I received a phone call that would forever change my life.
My mother was gone, I was told.
Mom, you died suddenly with no warning. I was in shock. “No, I thought, this isn’t happening.” That was nearly nine years go. Wow, nine years ago? It feels so recent, yet so long ago.
You were the one who basically raised me most of my life as you were a single mom most of my childhood. Being an only child, it was you and I, all of my childhood.
You were the one who was supposed to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. You were supposed to be the first one I called when I found out we were having our first baby, a baby girl, and our second one not too long later, a little boy.
I lost you right when a girl needs her mom the most in adult life, to help me navigate parenthood. To be there when I had my babies, holding my hand. Kissing their sweet baby cheeks when they arrived. I wish you were here for them to call “grandma”, “mimi”, or “nana,” but God had other plans. Oh, mom, it wrecked my faith for so long, but I have been working through that.
Scarlet is now old enough to question where you are. “Where is your mommy?” And the questions continue as they do with a four year old child. I can’t dodge the question anymore. She needs to know where you are. “Why is she in Heaven?” “I will see her when I go to Heaven,” she says. I assure her that you are watching over us. I want her to know that just because you are not here for her to see, you’re very present. Knowing you, you’re probably reminiscing of the days of a mommy and her little girl, just as I often do. As we discuss, she asks me why I am crying.
I am excited and hopeful to have an amazing mother-daughter bond with my little girl through the years, as you and I did. This has probably been one of the hardest things for me to do, mom. Raising this beautiful little girl, my first born, without you. I remember watching you when I was little, wanting to do many things you did. I would put on your make-up and perfume, use your brush, want to curl my hair, wear your dress shoes and carry your purses. Now I have my little princess at my feet doing the same. Oh how it reminds me of growing up with you.
Once a girl grows and becomes a woman, often times their mom becomes their best friend in many ways. This is something I miss. Not only you as my mom, but you as my friend. Often times, when I am out and about, I see other women lunching or shopping with their mothers. I am not without a moment of sadness, a moment of jealousy, and longing for you to be here. Often times I quickly look away and block it out because it’s too painful.
I so look forward to the days when Scarlet and I can go shopping and dining together, just as you and I used to do. I am ready for the days when we can go get a pedicure, stop for a coffee or glass of wine, and chat about life. I wish you were here for that.
I recently saw a post of one of my friends and her mom going on a trip together. I immediately swelled with sorrow. But mom, I am also grateful and hopeful that I also have a little princess with whom I’ll one day do all these special mother-daughter things. We’ll share a conversation about a new movie or book. We’ll go on a mother-daughter trip. But most importantly, I’ll be there for the adventure of having her own babies, my grandchildren. This is something you were not in body present for, but I know you were there by my side spiritually.
Scarlet has been telling me lately that I am her best friend. My heart instantly melts. Now as I had you growing up — my mommy and my best friend — I have a beautiful daughter to to do the same with me. God is restoring the mother-daughter bond and relationship I have been missing for these past several years, only I am on the other side of it.
I hope as you are looking down on me, Mom, that I make you proud.
