Whether your friends or family are just starting the process of navigating infertility treatments or they are well into the thick of it, it can be hard to know how to offer your support when you have never been in their shoes.
Having experienced and continuing to experience an infertility diagnosis, I have received various means of support. Below are some dos and don’ts when it comes to offering support.
What to Do
- Show them you are thinking of them. Have a meal or a treat delivered. Send flowers. Even a card goes a long way. The point isn’t to be extravagant. The point is to say, “I’m thinking of you. I’m here for you,” in a no-pressure, hands-off way.
- Give grace. Understand there are going to be certain things that could trigger a person going through treatment. This could be a baby shower, a gender reveal, a birthday party, a particular milestone. The list is really endless and dependent on the person and where they are in the process. The point is, give grace. Understand they may not be able to attend a celebration. Sure, you would love to have them and want them there. So why can’t they just come show you support? In short: because they can’t. Just know it’s not personal… it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you at all. Don’t push it. They will meet you in that space when they are ready.
- Meet them on their level. Each person is different as to how much they want to share. As much as you may be curious or want to know more, try not to pry. Maybe Google instead of asking your friend to explain it. This could also help show your interest and lead you to be more present. It is also possible your friend doesn’t know you want to know more. Offer up, “I’m here to listen whenever you are ready to share.”
- Be present. One of the best gifts you can provide a friend facing infertility concerns is to show up. Check in every so often. Remember their big appointments and follow up with how they’re feeling. You may get a response, you may not. Just keep showing up.
- Ask! Ask them what they need or how you can best support them. They may not need anything in that moment. But once you have made that offer, they will remember and will take you up on it when something does come up.
What NOT to Do
- Don’t comment on their childless state (or only child state). Bottom line, it really is not your business why they do or do not have children or how many children they have and why they don’t have more. I really don’t have a way to sugarcoat this. Having children, or not having children, is a very personal matter. As a society, it is almost second nature to ask, “Do you have any kids?” While this question does not bother me, the follow ups— “Why not?” “When will you?” “Your eggs are only getting older, you know.” “You really need to give your son/daughter a sibling!”—cross the line.
- Don’t compare. A struggle is a struggle, no doubt about it. But consider the context. When your friend shares she is undergoing infertility treatments, there is no reason to attempt to compare or relate. Oftentimes, you cannot relate unless you have faced an infertility diagnosis yourself. Each of our struggles are unique or different. See other options here on how you can offer your support that don’t undermine your friend’s (or your own) experiences.
- Don’t offer unsolicited advice. Advice is tricky. As humans, it’s hard to just hear something hard or let something be when it makes us uncomfortable. Ask whether the person wants advice or not. This could include pushing adoption or another solution. Your friend and his or her significant other are going to have to make these decisions. Offer advice when your friend explicitly asks for your thoughts and opinions. Otherwise, it’s generally going to have the opposite effect you intended.
- Don’t minimize it. Not sure if you are minimizing? If your statement begins with or uses “just” or “at least,” there is a good chance you are minimizing. Examples: “just relax,” “just go on vacation,” “at least you can get pregnant” (think miscarriage or secondary infertility), “it will all work out,” “it just wasn’t meant to be.”
- Don’t doubt. Trust them. Listen to them. Not sure how to share your own pregnancy announcement? Trust them with the information but do it privately. For me, the most considerate way to find out a close friend or family member is pregnant is directly from the source and privately. This offers me an opportunity to process and feel. Share respectfully (and maybe avoid too much boasting that you got it on the first try).
Every person is different. What worked for me, may not work for someone else. It can be so hard to know what to do or what to say when you haven’t experienced what they’re experiencing. You can acknowledge that you don’t quite know how to help but want to anyway. You may not always say the right thing. You may even say the wrong thing! Own that and just admit you’re not sure of the “right” thing to say. So long as you keep showing up, you’re always welcome.
This article was originally published in 2022.
