We had finally decided it was time to add to our family, and I was pleasantly surprised to get a positive pregnancy test after only two months of trying. With two healthy, uneventful pregnancies for my other children, miscarriage wasn’t even something that crossed my mind. I excitedly began planning the new nursery and making lists of baby items we would need. We waited a few days before telling anyone. I wanted things to be a little different this pregnancy, and I enjoyed the secret bliss of only my husband and I knowing about the pregnancy. We slowly started sharing the news with family and close friends with the caveat that “if something were to go wrong, we’d tell you anyway,” but not really taking those words to heart. We’d had two totally normal pregnancies before, so why should this one be any different?
Early Signs of Miscarriage
My symptoms slowly started ramping up. My boobs ached, I was always starving (quite the opposite from my previous pregnancies) and I was tired, but it felt more attributed to raising two toddlers, instead of pregnancy. Fast forward about three weeks and I knew in my heart something was off. “Oh, you still have some pregnancy symptoms though. Maybe you’re just lucky this time and won’t be sick this pregnancy!” Miscarriage still wasn’t really crossing my thoughts, but I knew things were very different. My initial scan wasn’t scheduled for early January, close to the end of my first trimester. We were about to leave town for Christmas, and I was nervous about the 16-hour drive. Thankfully, my OB listened to my concerns and got me in for a scan that afternoon. Things were looking okay. A little behind from how far along I thought I was, but nothing concerning to them. They did bloodwork and said I could come back in two days for more bloodwork to make sure my betas were indeed increasing. Just one more thing for some peace of mind before we left town. I went back for my bloodwork and we left the next day for our trip. I will never forget the phone call from the nurse telling me that my betas were dropping and expressing her condolences. We were both in shock listening, trying to process what she was telling us.
Sharing Our Grief
I spent 10 days waiting for the actual miscarriage to happen; exactly one month after the day I got my positive pregnancy test. Each day was a terrible waiting game wondering if the worst was behind us, or how much longer I’d be in this condition. It was an incredibly isolating time. I felt so much guilt. Here I was mourning the loss of an addition to our family and I just wanted to be alone, but I already had two amazing, living children. How could I explain to them why mommy was so sad and wanted space from everyone and everything? When we had the courage to tell people what had happened, it was immensely difficult to speak about, but we found so much comfort. It was helpful to share our story and cry, and hug and hear how many others are members of this unfortunate club. I ultimately needed a D&C and had a follow up appointment with my doctor. He gave me information about when we could try again and what we’ll do during my next pregnancies, but my brain still feels all over the place. We already have two incredible children. Can I go through this season of trying and potential loss and worry again? I’m getting older, how much time do we have? Is there enough time for me to fully grieve this miscarriage, and then begin trying again?
Moving Forward
The past two months feel like a complete fog. I know I will get stronger in time, but right now I still have a blur of emotions. I’m trying to love on my children as much as I can, but it’s hard when I see another pregnant mom or think about pregnancy milestones that we would’ve now reached. I worry about giving my children another sibling, as they absolutely love babies and I know would be the best big brother and sister.
If this is something you are going through, first know how sorry I am. I encourage you to take the time you need to grieve and heal. Be kind to your body. Rest as much as you can. Go on walks, get some fresh air, or do something that brings you joy. Write it down. Even if the grief is too raw, take time someday to either speak your story aloud or write it out. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others. I know sharing about a miscarriage isn’t for everyone, but I found so much comfort and support by sharing what I was going through with close friends. Many were able to share their own experiences or provide encouragement or moral support when I needed it most. Give yourself time to heal. There is no specific timeline for processing and grieving a miscarriage. Some days I feel completely fine and other days I am stuck in bed on the verge of tears.
Please know you are not alone.
