From The Enneagram Institute: “Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.”

I had heard about the Enneagram but didn’t dedicate the time to really understand what it was until I really needed it. I thought it was another personality quiz and I had relied on my old INFP classification from the Meyers-Briggs as my “personality type” for years now, even though I don’t feel like it accurately identifies me anymore. After suffering through a traumatic event last winter, I began looking for any way to start healing. What seemed to work for others wasn’t working for me. That’s when I remembered hearing about the Enneagram as a tool for mending. Now that I was fully motivated, I dug right in and was so excited. Not only did learning about my Enneagram number help me to move through a time of confusion, it also helped me understand my past and present actions and emotional state with tools to guide me well into the future.

Initially, I was intimidated to find my number. There wasn’t a single definitive test to take, or an outside source to give me a label. I read several suggestions that the best way to type yourself was to read through all the descriptions and find the one that resonated with you the most. But here began another problem: I genuinely wanted to be every number because they all had such good attributes and I wanted to be included (and include) all of them. I wanted to be a Helper 2, a Driven 3, or especially, Challenger (sometimes called ) Activist 8. The fact that I honestly cared about all of the types and wanted to harmonize my own personality with each of them should have been my first big clue to keep reading–all the way to the final number Nine. Nines love bringing people together! We are easy-going and agreeable, reassuring and receptive. We take in people as they are, where they are, with no judgement. We are laid-back and optimistic, even to the point of tuning out conflict and refusing to make a decision. Holy smokes, this was me! But of course I did find and take an on-line test for a second, objective opinion just to make sure. And you know, bring it all together. I am definitely a Nine, and I see evidence of this throughout my parenting journey.

As a new mom, I moved to a new city and decided to stay at home instead of looking for a job. I loved the new-found freedom of staying at home AKA having absolutely no schedule. (And all the Type Ones just felt a shiver.) There was no sleep schedule or feeding schedule. I felt very convicted that our entire life was to be “baby-led” and we should just drift through the days accepting whatever presented itself. Needless to say, not everyone thrived in this environment. I might be a Nine but the spouse and baby were not. Eventually, our very wonderful pediatrician explained that even if I loved life with no schedule, my small child who couldn’t tell time, needed one, and soon! But as a Nine, I was able to accommodate what my family needed from me, putting aside my idea of freedom for the greater good. Ultimately, a happy home gave me greater peace of mind and was far more important.

As a peacemaker, I am at my best and least stressed when everyone is getting along, when the family is free of struggles, and we are all together. The flip side of this is that I most often lose sight of my own emotions and goals. I like to be the one to check in with my friends and family, but I need a special kind of checked-in-on, too. I’m pretty good about asking for something once, but twice feels like nagging and nagging feels like judging to me. My kids will tell you being parented by a Nine is amazing because I am accepting of who they are and open to watching them grow and change. They also benefit from being able to ignore my initial request to clean their rooms or sort their laundry because I’m unlikely to ask twice. I am trusting, supportive, and wildly optimistic, even a bit of a dreamer. I get called laid-back or calm but I think that’s just the nature of believing everything will work out in the end, and having the good sense to ignore anything that doesn’t.

My biggest fears involve creating or navigating conflict. I tend to avoid it at all costs. This becomes an issue when there is genuine conflict and I am unable to deal with it in a positive way. My initial response is to bury my head in the sand and overlook anything unpleasant. I have to force myself to see my own feelings and the reality of an uncomfortable situation. Some days it’s just easier to create an alternate reality in my head instead. For example, I went on a two day crying jag wanting a do-over on Isaac’s childhood in the days before his high school graduation. Probably, I will do it again with the next graduation! Oy. I know it can seem to some as if I go from easy-going and everything is fine to full-on 100% emotional meltdown in a matter of seconds. It’s not really that fast but like my fellow Nines, I can accidentally hide the slow simmer of feelings until I burst with it. Some days I feel like I should come with a warning label. I don’t recognize my own emotional cues much of the time and I am incredibly thankful to a spouse who does and regularly intervenes before I lose it. I also have trouble establishing and maintaining boundaries. While responding in anger is rare for me, not responding at all, becoming withdrawn and uncommunicative is unfortunately where I find myself when clashing with someone or some situation. Any other Nines out there relate?

When parenting, I understand that kids need not only schedules (for which I was terrible at keeping), but boundaries, which I am also terrible at creating. A couple of years ago I was furious with my youngest for something or other and so I marched right into her room and said, “things had better change around here or I am going to ground you and since I have never grounded anyone, you better believe I will do a terrible job at it!” Yeah, that was the best I had. This is why I leave most of the disciplining to the spouse. My spouse is made of strong stuff because he is shouldering that discipline task alone. If anything, I make it worse, often presenting a case on behalf of my boundary-less children!

For all the bad and the good, I prefer to focus on the more positive aspects of being a Nine. I really do want everyone to feel good about themselves and I think I usually succeed. I accept without any judgement. Nines are the diplomats and referees for others and we don’t spend too much time looking inward. We see and almost always get, the best in everyone. Whether it’s unbridled optimism or simply an innate sense of justice, I seek to include always and I’ve taught my kids that lesson as well. At my best, I show my kids they are loved and accepted no matter who they are. I give them room to try new things according to their own timing, goals, and measures of success. At my worst, I shut down and put off discipline or get caught up in how I wish things were. I am thankful to have discovered the Enneagram and the insight I’ve received from it. I honestly don’t know how I would have moved through the events of last winter and remained on such solid footing without it.

Peacemaker Mom Profile:

Theme Song for Enneagram Type 9 & Favorite Line: “Naive” by the Kooks

“I know she knows I’m not fond of asking”

The song presents as upbeat but the lyrics reveal a slew of ignored emotions and conflict avoidance.

Favorite Book & Why: Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire. I love the change in perspective, seeing the Wicked Witch as a more fleshed out character with hopes and aspirations. Learning about her dreams, loyalties, and motivations allowed me to relate to this character from my childhood without judgement or fear.

Your kid falls off their bike and runs to you. How do you respond? With concern. My first response was to listen and match intensity, then ask questions and check on feelings. They usually figured out it wasn’t so bad and got back on all on their own.

What’s in your purse right now (with pic for proof!):

• 2 barrettes and a scrunchie because choices are hard
• Reusable bag
• Matchbook
• 2 stainless straws because plastic is going to wreck the whole world
• Roll of stamps I’ve been looking for….
• Receipt from lunch at Blue Fin
• A Shout wipe and cleaning cloth
• Clif bar
• Altoids
• 2 lip glosses (see above)
• Tissues
• Gift card from Starbucks that I received when they forgot my app order and I still haven’t used.
• Pen
• Bottle opener
• Card case

Want to read more about the other Enneagram types? Click here!