How do I get my child to stop misbehaving?!
That’s the real question I hear, both in my office and among friends. But in order to address that, we also have to teach our children the behaviors we like to see from them. Spoiler alert: Read until the end for simple tricks for teaching your children to behave how you want them to.
Every child misbehaves from time to time. Did you know that the average child follows through on instruction about 70% of the time? That leaves a good amount of wiggle room for misbehavior in a busy family. Adjusting expectations is the first step on the path to feeling good about your child’s behavior.
Realistic Strategies for Parents
When children misbehave, most parents’ go–to response is to call out the behavior and try to convince the child to cut it out – NOW! Weightless nagging and threats of unrealistic consequences sound familiar? You are in good company! Even with my training in research-based parenting strategies, I still find myself falling back on these same unhelpful parenting behaviors. But we have more options. And, given that how we teach our children to respect rules is an important part of socialization, we owe it to ourselves to make good choices when we can.
When you feel the urge to gripe, nag, or throw out a consequence you have no intention of implementing, take a deep breath in and an even longer breath out. This simple step is a well-supported calming strategy – you have permission to do this as long as you need. Then, notice any tension and urges to act. But just notice – do nothing. Then, consider some of the options discussed below, and choose a path that will leave you feeling good about how you handled the situation when everything calms down.
Research shows that securely attached children experience a host of positive outcomes, including being more compliant. As parents, we foster secure attachments by providing praise and reasonable reprimands within a loving, safe, and stable relationship. So, focus your day-to-day efforts on building a strong relationship with your child. This looks like spending time doing things they like to do, and can be as short as 5 or 10 minutes per day. Devote your full attention and follow your child’s lead. In the context of a positive relationship, children tend to increase behaviors that lead to attention from their parents. This step also teaches your child that your attention is valuable, and adds value to your words when you offer reprimands for misbehavior.
Addressing Misbehavior in Kids
If you do decide to address a misbehavior, here are some general tips for how to make an impact: get on your child’s eye level. Nobody likes to feel intimidated, and getting on their level reduces tension that might further dysregulate your child. Eye contact also increases the likelihood that you and your child have each other’s full attention. “Drive by” reprimands are useless – if it is important enough to not ignore, stop what you are doing and address the issue. Use as few words as possible to get your point across. Say what you don’t like and provide a clear expectation for behavior. For example: “Johnny and Joey, please stop playing tackle football in the living room. Please put the football in the garage, now.”
Another tip is to take a moment to consider whether you really want to pick the battle. Between work, family obligations, and shuttling kids around, parents can really bottom out their emotional resources. Sometimes, it’s perfectly reasonable to let minor transgressions slide. In the context of a healthy family dynamic, ignoring a sassy comment from an annoyed 13-year-old every once in a while will come out just fine in the wash. I promise.
It’s also important to note that, while our broader culture has taught most of us to rely on reprimands and punishments, there is a good foundation of support for relying mostly on praise to foster behaviors you want to see. It makes perfect sense if we take a moment to think about it. Children aren’t born knowing expectations, and while punishment can decrease undesired behaviors, it does nothing to teach what we want them to do. Further, research shows that when used too much, reprimands can have a negative impact on relationships.
This is where my best tip comes in: try to rely on praise as much as you can, to reward your child for engaging in behaviors you like to see. Looping back to attachment theory, this is also an important component of creating a positive relationship that fosters a secure attachment. To use this skill, catch ’em being good, and use short, specific verbal praise, along with an emotional cue (a smile, hair ruffle, hug), to reward your child. For example, you could say: “I know it’s hard to sit still at the table. I’m so proud of you for staying seated during dinner” along with a gentle squeeze. While the idea is for the praise and affection to be the reward, offering a small tangible reward can also be useful, especially for young children and when trying to build new behaviors that might be difficult for your child. A major bonus of using praise is that your child is so busy earning praise, misbehaviors often fall off.
Please keep in mind that these are general parenting tips for typical child misbehaviors. Sometimes, families need a bit of a boost to get started on the right path. Signs that indicate you may need more help include: you child is consistently noncompliant and/or isn’t responding to your efforts to use these strategies; your child is aggressive toward themselves, others, or objects; you have trouble recognizing your child’s strengths. If you find yourself in this position, you are not alone – please reach out! I would be happy to partner with you to develop path forward for your family.
Dr. Christina Marvin is a Kansas Licensed Psychologist and owner of Sunflower State Psychology. Dr. Marvin provides psychological assessment and therapy for children and families, and views parents as her strongest allies. After all, you know your child best! Dr. Marvin works with families to provide insight into what unique factors are causing your child or family’s struggles, identify strengths to capitalize on, and provide a clear path to promote success for your child and family. In her free time, Dr. Marvin can be found shuttling her own kids from activity to activity, trying desperately to catch a break from that, and cheering on our hometown team – Go Shocks!
You can contact Dr. Marvin at christy@
