Ever heard the expression “impostor syndrome?” I first encountered the term while working on my masters degree, when before presenting a paper, I became absolutely terrified someone would figure out I knew absolutely nothing! To be clear, I did know stuff. I was actually expert level on the research I was presenting. But those kinds of rational thoughts have no sway once you’re under impostor syndrome’s spell. It will absolutely rob you of all your confidence, even the kind you worked hard to possess.
For those lucky enough to avoid impostor syndrome thus far, it’s defined as a psychological pattern whereby an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. While attempting to combat this phenomenon in my professional life, I realized this same syndrome affected my mom life as well. I internalized not just the fear of being judged as a mom, but more to the point of being called out as a mom.
“You said you were never going to let your children eat candy and here they stand with sticky faces and fingers.”
“What happened to your resolve to never/always do/say insert some fad parenting move here?”
Anyone else ever had this conversation: “I don’t know if they like Harry Potter at this house so try not to talk about Harry Potter. Or Star Wars. And for heaven’s sake NO ONE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT PLAYING EXPLODING KITTENS!”
What if I’m out in public with my kids and they act, like, well, kids, and my pastor, friends, or family think I’m not a good mom? What if everyone figures out I’m in over my head, that I’m making a lot of mistakes, that my kids are heathens, and no one anywhere should ever listen to anything I have ever said/will ever say? What then happens to my mom-cred? What if they vote me off the mom-island because they all figure out that I’m the only one who doesn’t have a clue what I’m doing?!
Girl, no. That is the very definition of irrational fear. Stop it.
We read the books, follow the blogs, enter the groups. We implement advice, course correct, and try new advice. We follow our hearts. We all have dark nights of the soul where we sob in the dark, lonely, just convinced we’ve done all of it wrong. But we haven’t. No one is going to discover we are mom-frauds, because we aren’t! We are just moms and we are getting up every day and we are parenting in whatever philosophy fits us at the moment.
So first of all, let’s get that out there. We are the moms, period full stop. Second, let’s support each other and fill each other’s ears with words of praise! Whether we maintain our original parenting philosophies or allow our minds to be blown by new ideas, both are brave so let’s tell each other so! Kids will pick the absolute worst moment to try out a new vocabulary word, or questionable behavior, and you might find you are eating your own pre-kid words at some point on your parenting journey.
It’s okay! Keep plugging away mamas. Don’t let the thought that someone is going to call you out for changing, or doing, or advocating your mom style stop you from going 100% for your family.
We are all expert-level parents. Rest assured in that.
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