Because of the nature of my job, I have many opportunities a day to overhear snippets of conversations and then to think about them uninterrupted. Recently I overheard a mom turn to another mom and say “I didn’t expect that!” It resonated with me probably because I say it myself about 80 times a week.
Well that was unexpected. Repeat.
Whether it’s a phone call, a work situation, the teenager, the college student, the spouse, sometimes the dogs, I spend a great deal of my time being moderately surprised. I guess it’s a good thing that eyebrows are having a moment, my surprised face looks so on-trend.
But that particular day, I paused to think a little deeper. If I had been more of a planner, more of a dreamer about what I wanted my life and my family to look like at this stage, would I be looking more at the family of my dreams? Or IS this the family of my dreams? Do any of you ever ask yourself that question? Does anyone dare?
When I was a very little girl, I remember playing wedding and pretending to be a new mom. I always got married in the winter around New Year’s Eve and had a new baby at Christmas time. It helped that I had a lot of Christmas albums so I could re-enact Christmas any time I wanted. Sorry for all those Christmas carols in July, Mom. As it happens, I did get married in January and my son was born (five years later) in December. But in the years in between planning my kindergarten wedding and actually getting married, I wanted a lot of different things. For instance, I wanted a career — the particulars changed a lot — and NO spouse or children to divide my focus. Then I wanted a partner, but no wedding. (Me: Why do I need the state to approve of our relationship? Spouse: great. YOU tell that to my mom.) I wanted no kids, no kids before 30, three kids, okay two is good. So maybe I never really landed on what I wanted early in life. I never really had a dream family to create in the first place.
I am also (bless) old enough to have gotten married, had the babies, and mostly raised them BEFORE Facebook, Pinterest, and the rest of the members of the social media band. But thanks to social media, I am privy to the inner workings of so many of your family lives. Lives filled with life-affirming spouses, smiling happy children, dreamy sunlit rooms, baked goods, color-coordinated laundry piles, and laugh-out-loud JOY. Yeah, I know, social media isn’t real life. Don’t compare my day-to-day with someone else’s highlight reel. I get it. Heck, I’m guilty of documenting only the sweet moments of life. BECAUSE WHY ON EARTH DO I WANT TO DOCUMENT THE BAD ONES thankyouverymuch! It’s not so much comparison-as-the-thief-of-joy I’m experiencing, as being exposed to something new and thinking ,“Heeyy….I wouldn’t say no to that!” I want better windows. I want a spouse who says, “Heck YES!” as soon as I tell him my latest idea. I want kids who are joiners and go to formal dances.
But as I live and breathe, I can tell you that I didn’t get any of that – except maybe the good windows! I married a pessimist. I did not marry a person who gets behind everything I want or say or think without first thinking it’s a horrible idea that will end in fiery death. That’s who he is folks, and I love him with all of my heart for it. That man says “no way” like a reflex and it has shattered my soul more than a few times. (Ask me how car shopping is going sometime.) But he will live to be 100 years old and be the envy of every other man in the care home because he’s lean and fit and has all of his hair. You win some, you lose some. My son is 20 years old and to my knowledge, he has never once been to a formal dance and never even tried on a tux. There were years where I would have given up a kidney to have just one picture of him in formalwear. He’s not at his best right now either, something that caught me by surprise recently. I’m going to parent through some rough waters in the next few weeks and here I am, still thinking about the prom pictures I’ll never have. My daughter is 16 and she vacillates between ignoring me, blaming me, and loving me. But she is fierce and strong. I think sometimes she is exactly what I dreamed a woman today should be even if a part of my heart longs for more dresses and less angst in the laundry.
At the end of the day, I had no answer for my own question. I don’t know if this is the family of my dreams. But it’s the family I got and I love them fiercely. Our highlight reel might not inspire anyone else, but these people are my life and they inspire me to get up and get on with it every single day. I hope you feel that way about your family, too.
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