From The Enneagram Institute: “Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.”

Fours are basically a living paradox, and we like it that way. As a 4w3 youngster (3 is Performer) turned 4w5 adult (5 is Thinker), I feel even more paradoxical than most. But this is just where a four wants to be. Fours need to be unique.

I never took a personality test or read a description that felt right for me. Part of me did not want to be put into a box. Fours hate boxes. But a greater part of me wanted to feel understood by someone. Validated. I felt like there was more to me than anyone could decipher. 

Then I met the Enneagram. It is said that you know your number if you feel like the description came right from your diary. This is truth. After reading about a four, I realized I must be a four, no question. Fear of being forgotten and overlooked, struggle with envy and shame, the need to be unique, feeling like there is a vital piece missing in me, the need to create, and the desire for ample time to process emotions—I checked all those boxes. I liked these boxes. I was elated to have words for my jumbled emotions, and, as much as I might not want to admit it, to know I was not alone. 

I grew up feeling misunderstood and full of emotions I could not make sense of. I am highly sensitive, so I can relate to the feelings of life being unfair, of being told to get a thicker skin but not being able to figure out how it was possible. So as a mama, it is important for me to validate my children’s feelings, no matter how over-dramatic they may be, and to be a safe place for them to express their multifaceted emotions. They need to know emotions are not bad. Emotions are healthy. Emotions mean there is a heart and soul in that little body. So I try to let them express themselves while listening, sympathizing, and reminding them over and over again how my love for them will never be lessened. 

But it’s a yo-yo effect because honestly, it can be difficult trying to empathize with opinionated little ones who do not yet have control over or understand their emotions. Sometimes I empathize. Sometimes I yell. I’m the Yo-Yo Ma. As a four, I know big emotions can be scary and can isolate others. But the last thing a child needs is to be stiff-armed. This may look overindulgent to some mamas. To me, it is about the heart and to win my child’s heart, I must love ALL of them. All of their emotions. All of their fears. All of their doubts. All of their failures. But also, sometimes I yell. Yo-Yo Ma. 

Being a four and a mama is truly the best thing for my creative soul. Never have I felt more at home in my skin than in my role as mama. This is why I homeschool. Soaking up my children’s creative energy, wild imaginations, and lack of social inhibition is food for my soul. Someday, I hope we can travel the world. Today, we can study the world, make exotic “meals” in our backyard mud kitchen, go exploring, use up copious amounts of sidewalk chalk, and create, create, create. 

I also love the lack of structure homeschooling and staying at home allows. Structure to a four feels like a too-tight turtleneck. I get to make it up as I go, and this is where I thrive. The world of children is my comfort place. It takes great effort for me to go out and socialize with people who are diaperless or don’t pick their noses in public. So staying home with my babies is meeting my needs as well as my kids’. At this point. Ask me again in a few years when geometry and puberty hit. It is also a necessity to burrow in my room everyday to recharge and for my hands to have a break from opening packs of fruit snacks. I still need my alone time, girls—I’m not a crazy person. Fours require a healthy dose of alone time.

Fours love dwelling on the past. I spend a lot of time reminiscing with my kids and recording all their stages. I am not follow-you-around-with-a-camera mom. But I do prioritize memorializing what I know they will value someday, especially if one of them ends up being a four. 

Fours love beauty. For me, this meant painting the entire interior of my house shades of white, hiding clutter like it is the law, and choosing meaningful décor despite the obvious inevitability of daily Cheetos stains. The need for visual harmony makes it worth it. I can “feel” a space, and my home space needs to feel peaceful and inspiring even while filled with the pitter-patter of chaos. 

Fours despise monotony, so chores are a struggle, especially of the everyday kind. To shorten chore time, I keep my house minimalist-ish (one can only do so much with four kids), take loads of toys to the DAV while nobody is home (so sue me), and choose décor that is life-giving. I clean the bare minimum and spend the rest of the time creating opportunities for magical moments. Or reading. Or, okay, napping– magical comes in many shapes. I love picking out my children’s’ clothes, too. But I have learned that little ones have opinions and if my mama let me go around in an over-sized boy’s shirt and Umbro shorts past my knees, I can let my children express themselves in their outfits, too (to a point! Dance recital costume to church got axed. But that was Dad, not me). 

Fours love being unique. As a mama, this means investing in my children’s different personalities by encouraging them to pursue their passions. My son is passionate about the animal kingdom and spouts off animal facts to anyone within hearing distance (usually me). I joke about his first date someday as he sits there thinking his expansive knowledge on the harpy eagle is really going to knock her socks off. But you know what? I adore this about him. I could care less if he is into sports or video games or whatever the cool kids are into. I celebrate his different. His date will too, if she knows what’s good for her.

Fours often feel like complicated beings. They can’t even figure themselves out, how should they expect others to? I literally just (two hours ago!) had a friend tell me, “You’re still a mystery to me”. Friends in college called me Captain Mysterio. We like being mysterious, but we also do not. Paradox. We, too, need to feel understood, or at least accepted as we are. You may be wondering, “How can I make a four mama feel loved?” I am really glad you wondered this. A four needs friends who shout her worth and who notice and appreciate the beauty she has sought to cultivate in life. She needs to be reminded that nothing is missing in her. Four mamas need specific praise—the generic stuff simply will not do. They need constant encouragement, because sometimes their inner reflections produce scary monsters of doubt and feelings of falsity. To not be genuine is repulsive to a four. 

If you know me personally, feel free to use me as a guinea pig in your practice of loving a four mama well. A four will notice. A four will appreciate. A four will provide a deep and lasting friendship and will write you a very long sappy letter about it in the near future. Count on it. 

Individualist Mom Profile:

“Tell me somethin’, girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin’ else you’re searchin’ for?

I’m falling
In all the good times I find myself
Longin’ for change
And in the bad times I fear myself

Tell me something, boy
Aren’t you tired tryin’ to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain’t it hard keeping it so hardcore?”

Favorite Book & Why: Walking on Water by Madeleine L’Engle. “It is chastening to realize that those who have no physical flaw, who move through life in step with their peers, who are bright and beautiful, seldom become artists. The unending paradox is that we do learn through pain…The artist cannot hold back; it is impossible, because writing, or any other discipline of art, involves participation in suffering, in the ills and the occasional stabbing joys that come from being part of the human drama.” 

Word, Madeleine. Speaking to my sensitive, creative heart and soul.

Your kid falls off their bike and comes running to you in tears. How do you respond? I would scoop the child up into my arms and hold them until they had gotten all of their emotions out, relishing the snuggle and the comfort of my own flesh and blood choosing me to soothe them. Then, when they had calmed down, however long it takes, I would remind them how amazing they are and how I know they can go back out there and show that asphalt who’s boss. I’d probably also be imagining them as a baby or as a future adult as I pondered how fleeting the moments are. All the moments. Sigh.

What’s in your purse right now (with pic for proof!):

• Diapers
• Wipes
• Wallet
• Keys with funky keychain
• Gold pouch of necessities
• Migraine medicine
• One pink crayon,
• RX bar
• Sunnies
• Earbuds
• Lip gloss
• Hand sanitizer
• SIBO test kit from today’s doctor’s appointment. 

Want to read more about the other Enneagram types? Click here!

Alyssa DeJong

I am a homeschool mama to Caedmon, Kenya, Dorothy and Brave and a wife to Dan. I love to write on my blog-ish-type-thing called Sunday Speak. See how gifted I am with words? I love to read, create, try new recipes my kids end up not eating, and explore, especially with my family. Someday I hope to take my kids on a tour of the world and call it school. I cannot think of a better way to learn. Maybe I will start a GoFundMe. I used to workout. I love Jesus. And Jesus loves me, even though I don’t work out.