I will never forget the first ultrasound with our girls. As the doctor was focusing quietly on the image on the screen, panic began to sink in. “Is there no heartbeat? Is something wrong?” I thought to myself in the silence. Suddenly, the medical student who was with the doctor blurted out “ARE THERE TWO?” My doctor began to laugh, all color drained from my poor husband (they actually asked him if he needed a wheelchair) and from that moment on, life has never been the same.
Three years into life with twins has brought me a little wisdom and a lot of gray hairs, and I want to share some of the unique challenges that come with being a mom of two at once.
Being pregnant with twins is almost harder than raising twins. The human body was meant to grow one baby at a time, so the toll that growing twins (or more!) takes is paramount. Carrying multiples increases the risk of complications for mom and babies, and the extra hormones make most pregnancy symptoms notably worse and longer-lasting. I am currently in my third trimester as a gestational carrier, and incubating one baby seems like a walk in the park compared to my last go-around.
Prepare for an audience during birth. I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to deliver vaginally (I’ve heard of doctors that won’t allow it for twins), so I didn’t think much else would differ from a ‘standard’ delivery room situation. I was wrong. I was wheeled to an operating room, in case it turned into an emergency situation, and I couldn’t keep track of the people coming in and out. Each baby had their own NICU team waiting for them since they were pre-term at 34 weeks, and there were extra doctors and nurses assisting. Of course, I was situated so that my exposed vajay was the first thing people see when entering the room. Goodbye, modesty.
Twins are not “buy one, get one free.” They are buy one, get one for full price. Two cribs. Two car seats. Two separate charges for each of the many ultrasounds. Two times the diapers. As they got older, I was elated at the fact that they would be able to share toys and clothes. We’ve learned the hard way that a lot of the time, we’re better off still getting two, for everyone’s sake.
Leaving the house is roughly equivalent to a military operation. I quickly learned to preface any kind of scheduled event with, “We will be late.” I’d like to say its better now that they’re older, but that would be a lie.
Once you do manage to eventually leave the house, be prepared for all.the.attention. Everywhere we go, people stare and whisper. The first time my best friend accompanied us out, she remarked “You’re like a circus show….” Then come the questions. Oh, the questions.
Are they twiiiiins?
Are they identical?
Can you tell them apart?
Are you breastfeeding? How does that work?
Did you have a C-section?
Are they natural?
You haven’t lived until you’ve been asked how your children were conceived by a perfect stranger in the grocery store. That’s not appropriate to ask a random stranger with one baby – why do people think it is okay to ask just because there are two? I know most of the inquiries are not ill-willed, as people are just fascinated with twins. Even so, moms of multiples eventually learn to keep their heads down and avoid eye contact in public. When I see another twin mom in the wild, I just smile, say “they’re adorable,” and move on. Thank goodness for grocery pickup and Amazon Prime.
You will have large chunks of time that you flat-out don’t remember. I recall being a little high on my horse when one of my nurses in the hospital told me she had twins and didn’t remember hardly anything from their first year or two. What mom doesn’t remember that kind of stuff? Swallowing a big slice of humble pie, I too am at a loss for most of that first year, and a pretty decent part of the second year. There is no mental exhaustion like taking care of two babies. Yes, I do understand that many families have children close in age. But there is something to be said about caring for two children with the same dependencies at the same time that just takes it to a whole different level.
You will ask Why me? It starts out as why me – HOW am I supposed to care for two babies? Am I even capable of this? Why me when you feel like the most inaduequate parent on the face of the earth, and like you will never have your head above water. Why me when you feel the guilt of having to choose one twin over the other. That eventually turns into why me – what did I possibly do right to deserve these girls? How lucky I am to witness the indescribable bond grow between my daughters. They fill a space for each other that even mom or dad can’t take – they are each other’s best friend, provider of comfort, and biggest cheerleader. My husband and I talk about how we feel sorry for the parents that have to miss out on this. Twins may be double the trouble, but they’re so much more than double the fun. The next time a stranger inevitably comments that I have my hands full, I will smile and say that my hands aren’t a fraction as full as my heart.
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