I Don’t Feel Obligated to Pay for My Child’s College Education

I Don't Feel Obligated to Pay for My Child's College EducationSomething that often comes up in discussions about the cost to raise children is the notion that we should all be saving for our kids’ college educations. It has become so commonplace that many parents have incorporated it into their monthly budgets, right alongside the mortgage payment and the diaper bill. After all, that’s what all responsible, loving parents who only want the best for their children do, right?

Wrong – at least in my book.

I believe that as parents, we should not feel obligated to pay for our children’s college education. I can almost hear your gasp as you’re reading this. Don’t I love my children? Don’t I want the best for them? Don’t I care about their futures? You bet I do. And I will provide everything that they need to be successful, from the physical needs of clothing, food, and shelter to the emotional needs of support, love, and guidance. And for that reason, I will not allow them to feel entitled to have me pay for their college education, nor will I force them to attend college if they would prefer not to.

Consider these points:

1. “Free college” is part of the “entitlement” problem. The media is filled with stories about the “entitlement” mentality that is permeating our culture. There is a legitimate concern in our society that we are raising a generation of kids who feel entitled to win, entitled to the best of everything, and entitled to succeed without real effort on their part. We all know (or were) those people who went to college because their parents footed the bill, and then flunked out. I strongly believe that you value something more when you carry the responsibility for it. I want my kids to have some skin in the game when it comes to their future. I believe they will value their education more and be better people for it. In fact, a former college financial advisor recently told me this: “The best students are those who have invested in their education themselves.” Even more, they’ll be the ones who will benefit from it–shouldn’t they bear at least some of the responsibility? This doesn’t mean that my kids won’t go to college–I’m sure at least some of them will, and I’ll happily encourage their efforts. But wait:

2. Not everyone has to go to college. Yep, I said it. I’ll say it again. I’ll even put it in all caps and bold it and italicize it! NOT EVERYONE HAS TO GO TO COLLEGE. How many people do you know who ended up loving and succeeding in a job that had nothing to do with their degrees, or that they were grossly over-educated for? That’s because there is a false assumption in our society that you have to have a college degree to have a future. Not true. Many parents are incurring unnecessary debt so that the child can get a worthless degree that he or she will not ever need. I hold two degrees, so I’m certainly not saying that degrees are intrisically worthless, I’m just saying not everyone needs one. Many people would be far better off joining the military right out of high school to travel the world and learn a bit more responsibility. Some are mechanically-inclined and would be better prepared for a rewarding career through apprenticeship or trade school. There is nothing wrong with that. It takes all kinds to make this world go ’round, and a college degree is not the only way to a profitable career or happiness in life. I think that deep down, we all just want our kids to be happy. Why should we try to force them into the mold of what we see for their futures?

Beyond that, there are just so many “costs” of college that many of us do not consider, such as the loss of four years (or more) of productive career time or the loss of entrepreneurship opportunities (starting a business out out of high school without debt and fewer responsibilities is much more feasible than with thousands in student debt and a family to support). Even more, the cost of college is a cost in and of itself. Someone is paying for it, whether it be private donors through scholarships, taxpayers through low-interest loans or debt forgiveness, or the parents. That cost should be taken into account in deciding whether college is the right choice, regardless of who forks it over.

3. It shouldn’t happen at the cost of your family finances. Okay, seriously. If you are carrying credit card debt with a 15% (or worse) interest rate, PLEASE don’t save for your children’s college. Would you want your parents to be in debt to pay for your college education? I bet your kids don’t, either. I can’t help but think that your family (your children included) would be better off overall if you reduced your debt and the accompanying stress. Then, when your debt is paid off, you can add that 15% towards savings instead of paying it to the credit card company! The credit card debt is just an example. If you could improve your family’s situation by directing this money somewhere else, I don’t think you should feel guilty to put the money there than in a college savings fund. Your kid’s childhood will set the stage for the rest of his or her life, and there is a lot to be said for providing a healthy and stable environment.

4. There are other ways to reward/motivate/help your children. Am I saying that we should discourage college? Absolutely not. Am I saying that we should leave our hard-working kids to flounder without support the moment they leave the nest? No way. There are many other ways to provide for your children without simply forking over the whole college bill. If paying for their education is important to you, you could consider making different “deals” with your kids, like imposing a requirement that the child maintain a certain grade point average while you’re footing the bill or setting the expectation that the child will work enough to pay for his or her own living expenses, or some subset of them. There are a million different ways you could structure something like that based upon the situation. You could also consider something like a lump sum “gift” to your child upon completion of college, which he or she could use to pay off student debt, get married, or put a down payment on a house {DISCLAIMER :: I’m not your CPA, so you might consult one before you do that!}.

There is also nothing wrong with simply expecting that your kids will choose a school that makes sense for them financially (check out The College Navigator) and work hard, including finding scholarships and obtaining loans, to make their own way in college while you support them in whatever way you feel is appropriate (perhaps covering living expenses, allowing them to live at home, covering the costs of books or other activities, or even just providing emotional support and encouragement). It’s totally feasible for kids to pay their own way, if needed. There are a multitude of scholarships (if you don’t believe me, check out Salt Money and Fast Web), opportunities for on-campus employment, grant and loan opportunities through FAFSA, and some states even have programs that will pay tuition costs for students who met certain GPA, attendance, and community service requirements. There are also student loan forgiveness programs for those who enter certain fields or are willing to relocate to certain places.

In conclusion, there are simply many alternatives to the “I’m-paying-for-college-come-hell-or-high-water” approach, which very well may serve only to enable and perhaps leave everyone disappointed.

What approach do you plan to take with your kids?

Jordan Kieffer
Jordan is General Counsel for WMB and a regular contributor. She is also an attorney in private practice and the owner of Barre Forte Wichita. She grew up in the rural Butler County area and spent most of her childhood outdoors. She attended WSU for undergrad, followed by KU Law. The year before Jordan completed law school, she and her husband got married, making her a stepmom to three. They have since added two little ones, making a total of five fun and crazy kids! In her free time, Jordan can be spectating at the kids’ ball games, at the barre studio, horseback, or listening to audiobooks. She lives a blessed life and she's excited to share it with you!

2 COMMENTS

  1. Excellent! I have been saying this for years. My parents also said they never felt obligated to pay for braces. They couldn’t afford it and my husband and I ended up paying for them during our first few years of marriage. I never felt like they should have or were supposed to, especially as a grown woman with children now.

  2. This is exactly my thoughts as well. My parents helped with our education but by no means foot the majority of our education. And now I’m a SAHM with s degree married to a man with no degree and a successful construction business he started himself. Life hasn’t been easy by any means but it’s rewarding to know we are where we are because of hard work and not just because something’s been given to us.

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